Keeps me going
by thatdragonchic
Summary: Downton Abbey AU where William was the one with the bruised spine and Matthew took the fall. Daisy was in love but it seemed William was carrying some guilt on his back. Mary held the guilt of marrying a man she never loved. What could ever go wrong in this mix of love and war, with a bucket of guilt suspended over it all?
1. Chapter 1

A pink dress swooped between her legs as she walked down the wooden halls to each bedroom, man and woman. "Six O'clock!" She would yell, stopping at one door in that hallway, fixing her hat on her head, smoothing down her apron before opening the door and closing it, sneaking in. She leaned down and kissed his temple, then his cheek bone, then the corner of his mouth and before she could reach his lips, he'd stirred a bit coming to life again.

"Your train's at nine, back to the camp. You best get in uniform and come down for breakfast," She informed, the tides of war crashing against their knees, taking the favorite footman away and having taken the other one before him.

"You'd think I had more time," he mumbled, sitting up. He glanced at the brunette beside him, all ready for her day of work in the kitchen and smiled a bit, his thoughts wandering.

"You'll be back before you know it, and you'll be a hero at that," she encouraged. "William, you wanted to go so bad. You'll be a hero out of it, you'll do so well. I know you will."

"Thank you Daisy, and if you think I'm having regrets I'm not. I at least get to _sleep _two hours later at the camp, but that won't last once I'm out there." He shook his blond locks from his face before sighing taking her hand.

"Well, you be brave for me and I'll be brave for you," Daisy prompted, hoping it was a deal to be made. He understood and nodded.

"I can live with that, I'd never be anything less for you," He reassured, kissing the hand he held gently. "Now get down there before Mrs. Patmore has a fit." Daisy nodded, quickly kissing his cheek before trotting away and downstairs. Nothing made her happier than her man in arms, even if at first it felt a bit forced being in a relationship. Things smooth out and become better, for that she is thankful.

000

Mary sighed and sat up in bed, her thoughts dwelling on her actions. _I can't just keep leading him on like this. It's unkind, un fair. To him at least… But if I let him down now, he'll never come back and our friendship should count in the long run. Well if you can even call it that…_

She sighed again, getting up and ringing for Anna before sitting back in bed, closing her eyes. She just wanted some tea and maybe a break from the world. If just for once, she could do something right… It would make all the difference. Of course, she went and lead Matthew on and now he was coming home from the war in a couple days think they were _sweethearts, _all because she wanted to comfort him. What a mess had she made, what a mess she can't undo. Otherwise he'll leave with a broken heart and never have the motive to come back.

"Lady Mary?" Anna asked, stepping in through the door after knocking. Mary looked up and glanced at Anna.

"Anna, thank god you're here. I need some tea, if you don't mind. Tell my family I won't be down for breakfast." Mary smiled as best as she could, sitting up.

"Yes M'lady," Anna answered, hurrying out and downstairs for tea. Just as she rushed downstairs, William was coming down in his uniform. "Well, look at you. Ready to go?"

"As ready as ever, truthfully." William smiled at her and pat her back gently. "I'll miss you dearly, maybe I'll catch Thomas somewhere in the field?" He sounded almost hopeful. Yes, him and Thomas had a bit of an… unconventional relationship but William could see he meant well somewhere between his bullying and his bitter ways. William could recall a dozen times in the past year that they'd talked in Thomas' room for hours on end at night, just about nothing or everything; secrets from the very darkest trenches of their minds slipping their lips. He always meant well with his actions or just caused trouble because he needed some action to busy his mind.

"You think he's a brave soldier?" Anna asked, after a minute as they stepped down the stairs to the downstairs.

"Every soldier is a brave one Anna," William said, going into the kitchen with her. She requested tea while he stole a kiss from Daisy. "Do you need anything?" He asked, holding Daisy by the waist while she finished making some whipping cream to match the porridge she made for Edith, just the way she liked it.

"Actually, would you mind putting on the kettle? Then I'd like it if you could simply _rest _for a second," Daisy requested with a chuckle, watching him get the kettle out of the corner of her eye. He hated sitting down, hated not doing anything. It was almost silly how much he despised not being able to be useful in some sort, if only he would let himself rest before he left. It'd help, even if just a little bit.

William set up the kettle, Mrs. Patmore watching from her spot by the door. He insisted on helping with breakfast, and although reluctant, Daisy let him help- walking through every step.

_**First Chapter of my Downton Abbey Fanfiction! Updating soon, I don't really have a pattern. **_


	2. Chapter 2

_**So here's chapter two! I'm sorry it took so long to upload! I'll try updating sooner for chapter 3**_

Daisy fixed up the dinner, helping set it up in the upstairs. She scurried about, her head flustered with worry. He was going to the front today. He'd be constantly in danger and she couldn't bear to think that her next letter from him might be the last. Yet her brain made the excuse _he'll be just fine, you're just worried about the dinner the family is hosting for Lord Grantham's friends._

She sighed and went back to chopping up vegetables and throwing them in the soup. "Thomas is back in town I hear, working at the hospital," Anna said, delivering the news as she rushed in to take the next dish up.

"Really? Is he injured at all?" Daisy asked and Anna nodded.

"Shot threw the hand." Anna shook her head before rushing up the stairs with the dish. No footmen to help, no proper set of maids in the kitchen, not a proper amount of anything; Downton at war was Downton at its worst.

"Shame, I doubt he was much brave," sighed and shook her head. "As much as I hate to say it, I miss that whipper snapper, never failed to humor us with a scheme or a joke about crushing ones soul." She laughed half heartedly, making Daisy grin.

"I hear he's changed though," said, strolling into the kitchen.

"Really? How?" Daisy asked curious, looking at him in interest.

"The other day, Lady Sybil was over and she was talking about all the things he'd done. Saving lives, tending wounds, keeping people comfortable… It just doesn't sound like Thomas if you ask me," Mr. Bates said shaking his head with a half humored smile.

"The war changes everyone Mr. Bates, even the most foul of people," Mrs. Patmore told him, frowning and going back to cooking.

000

Mary sat, fingers tracing the words of a letter Matthew sent her. What if he died? He could die happily knowing she loved her. A picture, that's all he asked. But if not just a picture, then there will be a proposal and if the war ends and they have to marry… she'd have to tell him. Could she deal with breaking his heart that way?

Sighing Mary got up and wrapped a silk sash around her shoulders, strolling out of her room and down the stairs, deciding maybe she should walk to the garden. It'd clear her mind and she could maybe mull on other things. Things like Thomas being back in the village. Yet another man to feel bad about. She knew what he _was _but she felt him different, something between them was open and out there. He could never feel that way though… He wasn't like _that_ and gosh did she miss his witty remarks and his malicious smile that graced his features ever so daringly.

_No! _No. she can't think about him like that, she can't think about him at all. There were too many reasons not too. And what about Evelyn? Oh he was slow… Other suitors would come, especially after the war- whatever of the young was left. She rolled her eyes and continued strolling out into the garden, her mind glancing at the birds, singing so happy above her. Why couldn't she be that happy? What was stopping her? She'd never know… Maybe she could talk to the Duke of Crowborough again, get him to take an interest in her. He was a charm, was he in the war? Probably.

There'd be no one left for her, would there be? All the handsome young suitors would be gone before she knew it and she would be alone. Unless, truly, she could come to love Matthew in which she couldn't see. Matthew was just a friend, nothing more. It was her fault to lead him on, to start all this and now she might as well be stuck with it, rather than live with the guilt of his death.

000

The two sat in a cot along the trenches, crouched in it. William was writing Daisy a letter, inking the letter quickly. _We'll be home soon, leave is on the 25'th of the coming month. I don't really know what I can say to you, I don't really have anything to say. I just miss you dearly and miss working at Downton but I still don't regret coming to the war or even applying. ~William. _

He gave to the one who sends out the post and came to find Matthew reading. "Mary write you back at all?" William asked, sitting across from him and pouring some tea. Matthew shook his head. "She'll come around, just give her some time."

"You really think she will?" Matthew asked, looking out. "What if we don't make it through this?" Matthew glanced down at his hands before glancing out at the field, darkness encasing it all.

"We will… trust me, we'll make it out of this soon," William reassured, smiling the slightest.

000

The rush of the hospital never ended, Thomas constantly found himself cleaning wounds, pushing breath into somebody or helping somebody departure. Operations were very constant; removing limbs, digging out bullets, of the such. Thomas enjoyed it, feeling important. It made him feel… _useful. _

"Thomas, did you hear about the Duke of Crowborough? He seems to be paying the hospital a visit to see a friend," Sybil whispered as they arranged medicines. The two had grown rather close, having confided drunken secrets and admitted to little sins.

"Oh really? I didn't hear that, who is he visiting? Or is that unclear?" Thomas asked, putting some viles back up on a shelf above the little sink in that room.

"No I didn't hear who it was he was coming to see, but I do know he's coming. Do you think it's you he wants to see?" She asked, shuffling some files and placing them in correct places. They were across the room but they spoke in hushed tones as they moved around the small room, replacing things, cleaning things, fixing things.

"Why on earth would he want to do that?" Thomas asked, and she shrugged. The two exchanged tired glances before shaking their heads. "There are worse things to worry about. Theres a war going on and we're busying about some Duke," Thomas said, making both chuckle.

"Honestly. Besides, you're good to gossip to. You do something with your information, make it important. I admire that," Sybil said kindly before adjusting her hat and going back to the files.

"Thank you Sybil. On the contrary, you yourself are a very good friend." They both smiled before turning back to work and talking about anything other than the war. It helped not to think about the horrors those outside that door were facing.


End file.
